Sadly, the research on family estrangement is limited. The scholars who study family systems and more specifically the relationships between children and parents, seem to focus on the ideals more than the reality of how complicated and toxic the families we were raised in can be.

What prompts some of us to finally say No! and attempt to put an end to the madness we call our family? What are some of the reasons that children of these dysfunctional relationships, stomp their adult feet down and decide to walk away (even after decades of remaining in the system)? I cannot speak for all, but I know that my day came over 30 years after I was born, when I finally was ready to walk the path of estrangement and it was nothing like I had ever imagined…

From the scarce research, we can find valid reasons for why one chooses to end a parent-child relationship or the family as a whole. Researchers have mostly sought specific circumstances for these estrangements rather than allowing for more unrestricted reasonings (Carr, Holman, Abetz, Kellas, & Vagnoni, 2015).

The day I finally spoke, I uttered the awful truths of my haunting past as a child; one who grew up in a horror show of one dysfunction after another. Was it the sexual abuse from a stepfather or the personality disordered mother who finally broke the camel’s back of my soul? I knew from the day I was born, that something was inherently wrong; it was easier to blame myself than the one who gave me life. I was evil. A child not worth loving. The devil coming to take me back to where I belonged with every assault (whether it was physical or verbal).

It’s a long story, as we all know; those of us who have become estranged. It is my hopes that this blog will be a place for others to find solace, in knowing that they are not alone, even when estrangement can make you feel like you are walking through this existence…So very lonely.

Reference
Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., Kellas, J. K., & Vagnoni, E. (2015). Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 130-140. doi:10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106

You know what’s sad? I thought you either had cancer and were afraid to tell us. Then I thought maybe you were pregnant. Silly me to worry and care like that ~Mother