I let one of them back in. If not, just for a moment. They seem to do that, shoving a foot into my face saying HEY HEY look at me. You want to say hello.

Do I?

I’m coming to see you.

Do I have a choice? Since when do you care? Where have you been the past half-year? How about a simple ‘how are you?’ first? Oh let’s just pretend like nothing ever happened….Let’s just get straight to the bullshit. That’s all are relationship is, is bullshit. I’ll try not to mention that we still have the same parents or the same siblings. I know it makes you uncomfortable. I know you don’t believe me, you did once…What happened? What changed? When did you go to the ‘dark side?’ I thought out of everyone, you would be the one fighting for me, on my side, at least acknowledging the atrocities of our childhood. But, no. You aren’t capable of that. You couldn’t even accept what Steve did to you. LA LA LA LA LA….You shoved your palm into my face, trying to silence the truths escaping from my drunken lips. I’m sorry I tried, to help you. I should have known better…And now here you are, again, in my life. Like a surprise party that no one ever really wants. Short lived and chaos, bantering with people you don’t really care about, and who barely know your name. Do you really care about me? Do you understand what this does to me? The emotional roller coaster, that you trigger every-time you come strolling around. It’s not just you. It’s all of THEM too. Like the 24 hour flu, you knock me down and it takes me days, sometimes weeks to come back, to find my homeostasis, without you ALL.

 

I’m estranged physically, yet not emotionally. I am utterly so strangely estranged, from this mess of a family of what is left of it, of what it ever really was….

 

Please just go away. Please just let me live in silence. Please just let me heal.

AND yet, I still struggle to say NO.