The push-pull…..

 

My Mother hates me. I knew it from the moment of I was born. There was something amiss…She needed me, she said she ‘loved’ me, but why did I feel so alone? Why did I scream and beg to be heard, to be seen, to feel that unconditional love…Only a Mother could give. I never had that. I wanted her so badly, I yearned for years to be held with tender care, to know what it was like to be hugged without coldness, to wrap myself in the warmth of my Mother’s tenderness.

 

I know she tried. I can’t really blame her, for being who she is/was, a broken woman from a broken background. I spent years, trying to fix myself, so that perhaps she could finally look at me, really see me, as a beautiful and cherished daughter. I never seemed able to make her proud of me, I was always ‘too much,’ the ‘wild child,’ the ‘black sheep’ and the unfixable. I looked like Steve…My birth father. Was that why she loathed me? I reminded her of the man who tried to kill us both as I was blooming in her womb, the man she also loved. Hated. Loved. Hated. Leaving. Going back. Leaving. We both seemed to like the thrill of abuse, me and my Mother. I learned it from her. You can never love me, so why don’t you just hurt me. Abuse turning into that tender care I had given up on, so long ago. I starved myself, I drank myself into oblivion, I snorted pills to feel alive, to feel dead, to feel all and nothing at once. I tiptoed on the blade’s’ edge, I danced with the demons, and slept with the dying. Dwindling down to nothing, Mother still didn’t notice me. Get over yourself she said, get your shit together, your going to hell, I pray for your soul, your not my daughter…AHA! There it was! The truth withheld for so many years! I AM NOT HER DAUGHTER! ….That wouldn’t be the last time she said that to me…That day I finally spoke, everything re-surfaced. I kept her texts, emails, and letters as proof. Proof that my Mother is capable of loving and hating her very own, me. The damage has been done. It is hard for me, to see clearly at times and accept that she can be both caring and so cruel.

 

The ‘push-pull’ of one’s emotions is not uncommon when it comes to dysfunctional relationships and is even more common when estrangement occurs one or more family members. Theorists of the Bowen family system, indicate that when a breaks occurs there is a sense of alleviation in the beginning; that is not long-lasting (Agllias, 2013). We could say that this suggestion is somewhat outdated from the late 1970’s, more currently, research indicates that clients feel anger, hurt, shock, and other negative emotions when the estrangement first happens (Agllias, 2013). I personally can attest to the grander feelings of immense relief and the sorrowing, at times furious emotions that drown me. The relief is short-lived, the deep guilt and pain is long-lasting.

 

I can imagine it is not easy for Mother, she wanted so badly to be the ‘good’ mother, to hide all her own traumas and use her children as a shield from her dysfunctions. She writes me to this day…Never letting go, never respecting my boundaries I endlessly tried to create; to protect myself, but also to protect her. I need those letters some days, to remind me of who she really is. When I can open one that says how much she misses me and couldn’t live without me, how much pain she is in…And then, the ones where she blames me for everything, and wonders what went ‘wrong’ with me, that I am a selfish, worthless, and will never amount to anything. That therapy ruined me and I ruined the family.

 

At the end of the day. I am just like her. I love her….and…I hate her.

 

References

 

Agllias, K. (2013). The Gendered Experience of Family Estrangement in Later Life. Affilia, 28(3), 309-321. doi:10.1177/0886109913495727